This Week's Favourite Things! Monday March 9th - Sunday March 15th, 2015

This is going to be a very long post, in celebrating of snake-kicking eve.  St Patrick's Day is tomorrow, huzzah.  And I've got a studio full of greenware now so I'll finally be posting some art pics soon.

1.  Music.  This Sex Pistols Song.  The new song by Awolnation: Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf),  Jumpin' Jive by Cab Calloway, T'aint Whatcha Do by Ella Fitzgerald with the Chick Webb Orchestra

2.  Tree Hugging. I hugged a tree for the first time ever earlier this past week. Highly recommend.

3  New raw vegan recipe:  take some raw, unrefined coconut oil, a banana, raw cocoa powder, some shredded coconut, vanilla, cinnamon, take a hand blender to it, chill and voila, gluten free, sugar free, raw vegan pudding/mousse.  It's nice.

4.  Taking Responsibility.  Ironically I wrote this blog post back in February 2013: "Revolutionary Ideas Part 8 - Let's All Take Responsibility".  It has a couple of good links, but is ironic because at the time I had recently acted as an apathetic ass-hat without even realizing what I had done.  It took months before I realized where I'd screwed up but I'll describe that in the last point.  Long story.

5.  South Park Season 17 episode 10.  The Hobbit.  In this episode Wendy tries to do something nice for someone else and it sort of blows up in her face

6. These links from the psychopath-free forum:  Exposing a Sociopath: Should you warn a sociopath's next victim?  and the last two paragraphs of this link:  Why does it take so long to get over a relationship with a sociopath?.  This page also has a lot of interesting information regarding symptoms of psychopathy.

7. The Truth, part 3 of 3.  I've done this every couple of weeks starting a few weeks ago, and this will be the end of the series.  So it'll be long, but after this I'll be Moving on!

I've been doing a lot of reading on recovery from psychopathic abuse, so I'm going to come right out and say it.  I think that's what's been plaguing me the past 2 years or so!

Apparently it can take about 12 - 24 months to recover and that makes sense because lately I've finally felt my mood lifting.  I'm actually interested in sculpting again which has been nice.   Hooray!

Now I've read enough forums to realize that it isn't recommended to run around talking about how you were targeted by a psychopath or sociopath, because people will just hear "psychopath" and assume that you are one.  Or, the person you're chirping about will catch on and accuse you of being one.

Or it might come off as too 'out there' for people to really understand.  Like having parasites, people don't want to hear about it or aren't ready to accept it. For example, ironically, I read The Sociopath Next Door years ago while I was being targeted, and had no idea what was happening at the time!  

And I've read that attempting to expose a sociopath can be a dangerous thing to do.  Oh well. 

But I'm going to blog about this anyways because it makes sense to me, and maybe it's time for more people to look into the issue, and for more people to share their stories.  I think this has happened to me a few times in my past.  An understanding of sociopathy explains so much, now that I understand what it is.    

According to various articles, around 4 - 6% of people lack a conscience, so I think it's a good issue to know about.  It sure explains a lot about politics and corporations, as a sociopath is the ultimate social climber.  Unable to feel empathy, they have no problem with using people as pawns.   

As one of the articles I linked to above mentioned, one benefit of going through something like this is that the behaviours become so much easier to spot in new situations. 

Examples of the behaviours?  One is mimicry.  I remember at the onset of my experience describing my house fire and what I went through.  The person started to move their lips, and cry, and I thought, wow, how empathetic.  Later as I learned more about mimicry, the memory of that experience now feels down right creepy.

Another example is projection.  Sociopathic or psychopathic people will project characteristics they know that they have on to other people. They'll also try to pit their victims against eachother.

As one of the articles linked above mentions, if you suspect you've been duped be careful because the bouts of anger and depression you're bound to feel will end up being used against you in an attempt to convince everyone you know in common that you're the sociopathic one.  

Awesome. 

Here's an example of an actual reply I had forwarded to me after I woke up to what had happened and started trying to make amends (I'll change the names):

Dear Bubbles and Sweetiepie. My sincere apologies that Susan has drug you into all of this. I appreciate you not wanting to get involved with all this drama. Sadly, Susan has chosen to re-write the past in a way that suits her needs.

All the best,Cupcake

I've chosen to re-write the past in a way to "suit my needs"?  At least in this email Bubbles (a previous target) finally got an apology from Cupcake I suppose.

My "needs"?  Justice, expression and clarification?  I don't feel a need to re-write the past, I'm just trying to figure out what happened so I can make amends and move forward.  However, re-writing the past is a favourite ploy used by sociopaths, and is called 'gaslighting'.  I've experienced this too, and it's well described in this article which I've linked before: Empathic people are natural targets for sociopaths: protect yourself

I'll preface this next section with the news that from 1995 - 1997 I was a fish observer on the Pacific trawl fleet.  We worked for a consultant company, under contract for the Department of Fisheries and Oceans.  Our motto was "observe, record and report".  Coupled with my academic and work experience in biology that spanned 1990 - 2005, I'm trying to write up the next bit as objectively as I can, like a good Behavioural Ecologist.

So basically I loaned out tens of thousands of dollars of my house fire money, volunteered for thousands of  hours, and loaned my car for many kilometers because I thought I was working towards a business that would be of great benefit to the art community of Halifax if not Nova Scotia.  

I even have a Christmas Card (that I paid for) by a watercolour artist in which was written "you've given new life not just to me but the entire Halifax art community".

Effusive flattery is a technique favoured by sociopaths, known as love-bombing. I gobbled it up.

"It was ego" a friend of mine said later when I was lamenting my involvement in the whole thing.  She was right.  My ego was puffed right up, I thought I was doing this great thing, and I didn't understand at the time the betrayal the previous target would have felt.  

So, near the latter part of 2012  something happened where I realized later I had made the switch from 'empath' to 'apath'.  There were small signs that things weren't quite right before this, but I had ignored them.   I went to the business one day to see that a ceramic artist and their partner was there, to pick up some things for an auction.  This particular artist made Cupcake very stressed out, and being a good minion at that time, I believed that this was with good reason.

As an aside, a couple weeks before  Cupcake had handed me a piece he had accidentally broken by this artist to see if I could fix it.  I couldn't fix it but figured maybe the artist could.

While I was downstairs chatting with artist and artist partner, and Cupcake was upstairs gathering up items, I heard this loud crash, followed by a loud "OOPS!!"

Cupcake came downstairs, with the same piece that had been slightly damaged before, only now it was in pieces.  He apologized for the "accident".

"Oh, don't worry about it" said the artist, who soon after left with their partner.

Shortly after the artist left, Cupcake said to me "I knew she was going to say that".  Meaning, Cupcake knew he was going to get away without having to pay for the piece by smashing it on the floor.

What did I do at that moment?  Did I yell out "You ass-hat, that's a horrid thing to do, breaking a piece of ceramic art on purpose, you need to apologize to that artist immediately and pay for that piece, and by the way, what is wrong with you?"

No.  I did nothing.  There's no excuse for my doing nothing.  As Winston Churchill (I think) said 

"All that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men [or women] to do nothing".

In retrospect I believe I was in denial.  I think the cognitive dissonance was too much to take in, that I had spent all this money and time for something I thought would help artists, and the person I chose to back was the type of person who could destroy artwork on purpose.   

And at that moment, I let my conscience go dim.  The scary part is, that at the time, I didn't realize I had let my conscience go dim. It took me a long time to realize that happened.

It's just a busted piece of pottery, but my silence, my conversion from empath to apath I think serves as a microcosmic example of how bigger atrocities get started.  People turn a blind eye.   Another example I can think of is the widespread consumption of factory farmed animals.  Although we know how much they suffer, everyone is doing it, they're all over the grocery store, cheap and delicious!  And so on.  There are all sorts of systems in our society that likely have sociopaths at the helm.

There's one other thing that haunts me about this part of the story, and that was the tone of voice with which Cupcake said "I knew she was going to say that".  It was almost proud, a bit of a bragging tone.  

I've realized recently this was the same tone he used back in 2010 as the business was starting, when he said "It would be so easy for someone to take advantage of you."  Implying that he wasn't that type of person.

It was the same tone he used when he said, also in 2010 "[My Last Boss] never counted cash at the end of the day, it would have been so easy for someone to take money from the cash box".

Which in retrospect I now think was an odd thing for someone to say, especially when coupled with the sneaking movements I noticed he'd make when grabbing a 20 dollar bill or two from the business's cash box to spend on drinks at the bar.  When I pointed out to him his business was a sole proprietorship, all the money was his, his face lit up like a kid at Christmas.  

Anyhow, observe, record, report.  Just saying.  It was weird. 

 It wasn't until the latter part of 2013 that I started to REALLY doubt my involvement with business and it wasn't until 2014 I finally confessed how rotten I felt to the artist. I expected her to be super pissed, where she had been cast out of the business following the incident, but to my surprise she was very understanding and happy to hear from me, and had suspected that maybe the piece was already broken.
  
Clearly the smashed ceramic art wasn't enough to wake me up from the illusion that I was helping the art community, when I was really just helping someone to power trip over artists who were grateful to have such a knowledgeable mentor.  

What finally woke me up was when my house in Halifax got trashed.  By early 2012 I had burned through so much money that I couldn't afford to stay in Halifax even if I wanted to, so I made preparations to move to the country and rent my place out. 

I had written up a blog post about this last year and it had included a lot of blah blah blah about an art business I helped to start, but I deleted those details.  Partly because I was still in too much of a depressed victim-feeling headspace to write about it, and partly because it was a long post, I wanted it to be just about the bankruptcy industry.  Plus Cupcake's reaction to seeing this post was "I told you I don't know those people".  

So here is what happened:  in 2012 when I was looking for tenants, a young couple and their friend came to check my place out.  I wasn't sure about them, they were young, but they were mad keen about the house and being a soft hearted sucker I felt like giving them a chance.  Plus it was winter, I was anxious to find people.  I called their reference the next day from the phone at Cupcake's business.  Let's call the reference "So and So"

"Oh! I know So and So!" said Cupcake after overhearing the conversation "She's great!"

"Really?" I said "So do you think these people So and So is a reference for would be good tenants?"

The answer was yes, I'm sure they'd be fine.  So and So sounded like a responsible person and valid reference, Cupcake knew her, and at the time I thought I knew Cupcake.  I felt better about going with this crew and so  I rented my house to them.  I can't say I wouldn't have rented to them otherwise, but his vouching for their reference did make me feel more comfortable about it.

Fast forward to end of 2013 early 2014, and This is what happened to my house.  There are juicy pics of a trashed house if you just scroll down.

After lending him tens of thousands of dollars, years of my life, my car and cell phone, I thought Cupcake could do SOMETHING to help me out.  

At least maybe he could help me recover my stolen antique mirror.  Not a chance.  In fact, after finding So and So on Facebook via Cupcake and sending out a plea for help, mentioning that I had helped fund Cupcake's business as though to imply "hey, I'm not an asshat, help me out here"; I received a terse email from Cupcake, who clearly had been forwarded my message, informing me of how hurt he was that I had made my current financial difficulties all about my decision to help him.

And that, plus a few other emails, was what it took to finally get through my thick skull that I had actually made a Big Mistake.   I pulled my work out of the gallery, and my husband and I both got blocked and deleted off of Facebook for "social reasons".   

By the time I finally posted my post about my house last fall, Cupcake had gone from saying "Oh I know So and So she's great" to apparently having no idea who So and So was, except to see her, which was odd because she actually showed work at the business during a group show.

I'm actually grateful my house got trashed and I was woken up by Cupcake's lack of empathy, because if it wasn't for this I never would have realized how betrayed his last target must have felt.  Houses can be cleaned and repaired, lost money can be remade, but damage to other people like what I was a part of is much more difficult to fix.

The super crappy part though, is now I've unintentionally created a bit of a monster as now Cupcake has this awesomesauce reputation as this all knowing art person.  I guess because most people can't see the trail of people he's stepped over and wallets he has emptied to get to where he is.  I have no idea what to do about it, but this blog post feels like a good honest effort at trying to right a wrong.

IMO Cupcake's former boss deserves a round of applause and a billion dollars in sales for enduring all she has. Cupcake could always find money to have the lawn cut, and for vodka and duck sandwiches, but not to pay an assistant to deliver consistent, quality customer service.  I find it ironic that his former target understood the importance of hiring assistants and in essence was paying him to badmouth her.  I finally understand why this would be so upsetting and wish I could build a time machine to go back to 2010 and explain this properly to myself. 

I think I've finally come to a peaceful place about the whole story.  Maybe hugging the tree helped.  I'm done with taking Cupcake's actions personally.  That would be like a surfer spending the rest of her life pissed off at the shark that bit her.   What would be the point? A shark is going to do what a shark is going to do.  It was an interesting learning experience.  I learned all sorts of things about psychology and business, I made some nice friends I wouldn't have met otherwise, and hopefully I'll eventually be seeing my money again to do something more inline with my preferences.  We'll see!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This Week's Favourite Things! Monday March 2nd to Sunday March 8th 2015

1.  Tri City Villains - finally got to see Halifax's hottest new original rock band at Oasis Pub in Halifax on Saturday.  I know a member through family and love their awesome debut cd.  They definitely have star power and are great to see live.  Here's one of their awesome songs, "Rock City Love".

2.  Inter-species cooperation.  I'm still digging our bird feeder set up, especially with this harsh winter.  It's become a popular place for local songbirds and squirrels.  The other day while filling the feeders I noticed this big hairy woodpecker (Hairy Woodpecker is a species of woodpecker) come up to the lantern feeder when I was just a few feet away, and start shoveling seeds onto the ground, using his/her beak as a scoop and flicking his/her head back and forth such that the black oiled sunflower seeds were raining down.  I thought this bird was just being rude until later I saw some ducks headed to forage under the feeders, and I've seen as many as 22 mourning doves under the feeders.  Aha, now I suspect the woodpecker was actually feeding the other birds.  Today I saw the same woodpecker hanging out with some of the doves, so I suspect they're in cahoots.   How cool is that, I thought, inter-species cooperation! So unique! Until I realized that I'm a human feeding several bird species, so maybe it's not such an original idea.  Here's an article with other examples of animals helping other animals.

3.  This Infinite Waters Video on the Four Levels of Consciousness.  According to this, the four progressive stages of conscious evolution are Drone, Artist, Alchemist, and finally Wizard or Magician.  Cool.  This makes sense with what I found on my own journey.  I trashed my career as a scientist working Drone in 2005 to become an artist, and lately I've gotten very interested in Alchemy.  Being a Wizard or Magician would be even better.  Especially if it meant I could shoot bolts of energy out of my palms like Aaron Bruno does in this Awolnation video.  I'd say I've worked with some wizard-like people on large community art projects I've worked on, and maybe Wizardry is something that appeals to people more than they think.  Maybe this is why the Harry Potter books were so popular.  Perhaps JK Rowlings is actually a wizard herself.

This Week's Favourite Things! Monday February 23rd - Sunday March 1st. 2015

 Happy Birthday, Dr. Suess!  This seems like a good day to get back into the habit of posting my weekly list on Monday again rather than letting myself put it off.  I'm all cleansed and have been back to sculpting away, so glad my pieces didn't dry out over the past few weeks.  Hooray! However my kiln shed is now behind a giant wall of ice and snow so hopefully I'll be able to get in there easily when my underglazing is done and I'm ready to fire. 

1.  All sorts of videos by Infinite Waters, really digging that guy.  Eg, When you stop caring so much these 5 things will happen, and 9 Things to Get Rid of to Feel Better.   

Through a few of his videos he's mentioned the concept of the human mind being like a computer; I really dig this thought.  Cleaning up my diet and getting into the habit of doing yoga every day has felt like clearing off my hard drive, ready to go.  Another thing he's said that resonates is the thought that life is like a play and at the end all the actors walk off the stage but on good terms.  Why not.  We all come from the same point of light, after all. 

This Teal Swan video is good too: How to Stop Caring What Other People Think.

2.  This Bob Proctor lecture (Law of Attraction stuff). 

3.  This Abraham Hicks talk - stop pointing out what's missing from your life

4.  Having fun with our Excalibur Dehydrator and making up Raw Vegan Cuisine.  This has been super fun!  4a.  I'd been craving chips so my husband shaved a rutabega (which is supposed to be good for fighting Candida) with a potato peeler.  I soaked all the peelings in a mix of olive oil, apple cider vinegar, some water and spices for a few hours, and dehydrated on the living foods setting for almost a day.  Crunchy healthy anti-candida chips!

4b.  Crunchy flax crackers!  There are a bunch of recipes for this online, but I soaked a couple cups of flaxseeds in water for a few hours and stirred in: a minced onion, several minced garlic cloves, juice and pulp of a lemon, some apple cider vinegar, a few tablespoons of zatar (tasty Lebanese seasoning), chopped fresh parsley, celtic salt, smoked paprika, garlic powder, cayenne, pepper and dehydrated at living foods temperature until crispy.  So good.  Warning: these are very high fiber and flaxseeds do have cyanide in them so these should probably be eaten in moderation.  Here's another article on the bad side effects of flax seeds.

4c.  Vegan Pate:  Again there are a pile of recipes for this I soaked a couple cups of sunflower seeds and maybe half a cup of walnuts for several hours, stirred in a slap-chopped onion, bunch of garlic cloves, celery stalk, a few small grated carrots, apple cider vinegar, various spices and hand blended the whole thing.  It had a fleshy colour so then we got the idea to form globs of it into rectangles and dehydrate some more with a crust of dried rosemary, basil, parsley, celtic salt, pepper and a bit of olive oil on top.  It actually ended up looking and almost tasting like a meat pate! And tastes great on the flax crackers.

4d.  Frozen blueberry chocolate clusters:  this was melted (organic, cold pressed, unrefined) coconut oil with cocoa powder, honey, cinnamon, cardamom, shredded coconut and chopped walnuts.  I stirred in frozen blueberries and turned the whole thing out onto a plastic container in the freezer.  It firmed up right away into this awesome lumpy blueberry chocolate bar.  highly recommend.  It would be healthier with raw cocoa powder, which is full of good stuff for you.  According to what I've seen online, unlike heating about 115 Celsius, freezing does not kill enzymes, so that's good news!

5.  This quote by William Shakespeare from Hamlet:  "There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."  

This really resonated with me this week.  

All this law of attraction brainwashing I've been doing every day has been with the intention of trying to raise my vibration and I had a breakthrough!  

For the first time instead of looking back over the past few years and thinking "OMG I've been taken, boo hoo hoo." Something has shifted! Now I've started thinking "Wow, did I ever get taken, how hilarious!"  

It feels like I'm finally getting over  the craziness of the past few years.  I've realized  it was a very interesting life experience. On the bright side I'm grateful I'm not the type of person who has decided it's best to go through life lying to people, ripping them off and suckling off of them like a giant parasite to get my needs met.  

At the same time I can see where I really messed up in 2012.  It's a classic case of someone switching from the role of "Empath" to "Apath" and has made me think perhaps it was a microcosm for how things like wartime atrocities start and get out of control.  Yes.  This brings me to 

6. The word "Microcosmonaut"  I thought I invented this word but I just googled it and I didn't.

Anyhow instead of continually beating myself up over the day I let myself be brainwashed into being a minion of evil, it I'm just going to write about it (eventually) in my 'truth series' as a big internet confessional so I can take responsibility for my actions and keep moving forward.  


7.  The Truth.  Part 2. 

 "The Truth Will Set You Free".  I didn't realize this quote is from the Bible! (John 8:32).  But it's true, telling the truth feels just awesome.  Why didn't I think of this years ago.  Beats feeling powerless and depressed.  In fact, I began this whole weekly "my favourite things" blog post series over a year ago to cheer myself up from the reality of this particular situation.

 I wrote "The Truth part one" a couple of weeks ago and have since really questioned why have I kept so silent about what I've gone through.  Embarrassment?  Fear of losing my money for good? A twisted sense of loyalty to protect the reputation of someone who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about me despite the fact that I sacrificed thousands of hours of my life, miles on my car, and dollars in order to help this person?  Fear of looking like an asshole?  Fear of looking foolish?  Fear of looking crazy? 

I think Franklin D. Roosevelt was right when he said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".  This is also the moral of the movie "Case 39" which topped my favourite things list for weeks at the beginning of the year. 

The person who took my money apparently refuses to acknowledge it was a loan or that money was ever taken at all.  A friend's take on the situation is that from his point of view he may feel like he was entitled to it.  Maybe as his reward for being clever enough to get it out of me. 

Who knows what he is thinking.

Anyhow.

My father had a really great memory for random bits of dialogue.  

Growing up he'd tell me all sorts of stories from world war 2, starting with the night his family was packed on to a cattle car by Russian soldiers in 1939 to go to a Siberian work camp.  He was 14 at the time.   His father fled and went into hiding when the soldiers came to the door, because he thought the soldiers at the door were just after him.  But they weren't.  The soldiers were there for the whole village and that was the last night my family spent on their 60 acre farm.  So on to the train went my grandmother, my dad, his two brothers, and little sister.   

One of my favourite things my father ever told me was how my grandmother tried to cheer up her kids by encouraging them to see the train ride to the camp as a grand adventure.  She told them "Just imagine how long we'd all have to work and save to afford such a  train trip!"

How is that for positive thinking! 

My dad's memory for dialogue made his stories fun to listen to over and over again.  I think I might have inherited this ability.  For example, I can so clearly remember in 2010 standing in a friend's driveway.  

We were talking about the person I was about to lend a chunk of my house fire money to start an art business that I thought was supposed to help artists, especially ceramic artists, in the Halifax area.   It was summer.  My friend was in the middle of moving house and I remember the scene like it was yesterday.  I remember the concerned tone of her voice.

"Don't do it, Susan".  She said.  "I get feelings about things sometimes and I have a very bad feeling about this.  This is going to end with him sitting out there in that building on the side of that road with all your money and you having no say in how the business is being run."

This prediction ended up being eerily accurate, as I confessed to her a few months ago.  There were more things she said that day:

"I've known [him] for years and I've never had a good feeling from that guy."

And

"Everyone bitches about their boss" 

This last statement was in response to the fact that he had made out like his former boss was The Great Satan.  As a soft-hearted sucker I had gobbled it all up, thinking that by funding his dream venture I'd be pulling an "Oscar Schindler" and helping countless artists enjoy the same freedom I was enjoying thanks to my house fire insurance.  In my opinion, years later, the truth turned out to be more analogous to me investing in the infrastructure for a Jim Jones summer camp.

I took my friend's warning very seriously.  

This whole idea is crazy, I thought when I returned home that afternoon to my living room that was filling up with items purchased at auction with my money.  The rationale was that these things could all be flipped at high profit and I'd be paid back in "no time".  Now I guess by "no time" he meant "never".  

This person had convinced me that he had a gift for "picking".  It is ironic that one for the first pieces he bid on was supposed to be a piece of Meissen that would make us big bucks.  Instead it was a broken and badly repaired piece of Japanart that is pretty much worthless despite the $200 I paid for it. 

A location for the business had been found and business guy would soon sign the lease, but my friend's speech was sinking in.  Why was I doing this.  I could go to Italy.  Renovate my house.  Just as I was thinking it would be a good idea to bail out before this venture turned into a massive drain on my resources the phone rang...

Brrrng Brrrng

It was him.

As if he had somehow overheard what my friend had said, he immediately launched into a passionate sales pitch detailing his skills and abilities:

"I know what you're thinking.  You're questioning whether I have what it takes to pull this business off and I just wanted to let you know that I'm aware it'll need to bring in over 100k / year to be a success and I can do that."  

This statement was followed by a lot of blah blah blah about all of his skills, abilities and experience, previous experience running a successful art/antique business,  the teams of people who would jump to his aid, his mom was supposedly going to help him run the store, tonnes of connections in the local art and fashion scenes,and the fact that I wouldn't have to do a thing other than supply a small loan that would be repaid within the first 2 or 3 months of the business being open.  Oh and I would have an excellent venue to sell my sculptures of course.

"Ok."  I said.  I surprised myself.  At the time I thought the voice that said "ok" came from my heart and/or intuition, it didn't sound or feel like my normal voice and was counter to my common sense.  I'm a very intuitive person so maybe I took the eerie timing of the phone call as a sign that helping with this business was the right thing to do.   But since my recent parasite cleanse, now I question whether this "Ok" came from some sort of roundworm, fluke or other mooching organism  in my gut that had resonated with this speech that turned out to be utter manure.

***

Ok that's enough for this week's installment

This Week's Favourite Things Monday February 16th - Sunday February 22nd

1.  The movie "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" which is on Canadian Netflix.  It's from 1988 but I'd never seen it before, it's great!  Could be an entertaining watch for anyone who has ever felt like a soft-hearted sucker and/or who has had a run-in with a con artist.

2. This John Bergman lecture about weight loss via reprogramming your metabolism.  Whether it's accurate or not I'm not sure, but the bit I like about it is the most is where he's talking about the body not knowing what to do with the toxic chemicals we ingest that may not actually be 'food'.

3.  The above lecture led to a big discussion over whether our industrial agriculture system full of toxic "food" could actually be some sort of nefarious eugenics plot and reminded me of this video: The Story of your Enslavement which is dark but interesting

4.  The Rolling Stones Song Sympathy for the Devil, especially the lyric "I shouted out who killed the Kennedys when after all it was you and me".  Which got me thinking a lot about good/evil and personal responsibility, one of my favourite things to think about.

5.  On a lighter note this Inner Engineering video "What is Love", which I saw weeks ago but think I forgot to post.

This Week's Favourite Things! February 9th - February 15th

 1. More about Hermetic Laws.  Been reading up on this since finding out about it last week and especially liked this Infinite Waters video explaining them.  

2.  Looking into the Hermetic Laws let to me looking into Alchemy which was more popular than I realized.  For example I had no idea Isaac Newton was an alchemist!  Here's an interesting Teal Swan video explaining Alchemy.

3. The Healthy Bug in Halifax. This is a great place to get herbal supplements and various healthy things, super friendly helpful staff.  They do a 'Mad Monday' first Monday of each month where regular priced items in the store are 15% off.  I'm still cleansing and picked up some Black Walnut Hull and Wormwood; 2 key ingredients in parasite cleanses.  I also got advised on some good B12 supplements to support the weeks of being a raw vegan; they made my cravings for beef go away.  For anyone interested in parasite cleansing, highly recommended taking the parasite killing herbs, they stopped the crazy die off symptoms I was having of feeling things crawling around.

4. Clove tea.  Clove is supposed to be great for killing off parasite eggs and I read on line somewhere suggesting one could make a tea by simmering cloves in water on the stove.  I threw in some cinnamon, cardamom and ginger and it doesn't taste great but not terrible either, and more pleasant than swallowing ground cloves.  Hopefully its working.

5. The Humaworm website.  This is a great resource for people looking at parasite cleansing, with various informative pages.  Their products are herbal and seem reasonably priced and effective from what I've read on various other sites.  I haven't tried their products yet but am thinking about it when I use up the Black Walnut Hull and Wormwood tinctures.

6.  The movie Anna which is available on Canadian Netflix.   Could be an enjoyable watch for folks who feel like they may have been bamboozled by a psychopath.  

7.  The Truth (part one).  In cleansing I've noticed I've become a lot less fearful, and, where this blog is my space to express myself there are few key details I've kept mum about that have really been bothering me over the past few years and I've decided, why not just blog about them.  What have I been afraid exactly?  Nobody hardly reads my blog anyhow and I think sharing a few things I've kept secret will make me feel better, like it's part of the cleansing process. 

Whatever.  Here's a start.  

When I first arrived in Halifax in October 2008 I was a wreck.  I had broken my back jumping out of my burning house in Regina the year prior, shattering my L1 and L2 vertebrae and was still healing from a spinal fusion operation.   The fire took place in June 2007 and not only engulfed my character house in flames, but burnt down the 2 houses on either side of mine. I spent about 9 days in hospital following the operation.  My 2 roommates/friends were injured in the fire as well as all 3 of us jumped out of windows at 3am, but being the homeowner I was glad to have the most serious injuries.  For a few months following the operation, I had to wear a chair back brace and walk with a cane, and while it was painful I was glad I could walk.  I'm extremely grateful that Regina has such an excellent health care system and I had a top notch surgeon.  

The fire had occurred right before I was scheduled to go visit my parents in BC so I had to miss the trip.  Unfortunately about a month after my accident my father took a very bad stroke and died a month later.  He and I were very close and this was devastating but oddly because of my back injury I had to delay the grieving process.  I stayed in Regina for over a year, but the relationship that led me there had ended, and the Art School I attended there was rather awful.  I made some good friends that I miss, but there wasn't much keeping me there.  I had been thinking about moving east for years and decided it was time to make the move.

When I arrived in Halifax in October 2008 I was a broken grieving mess and knew nobody except my real estate agent who has since become a good friend.

I had issues with PTSD before my house fire, due to various other life experiences, but the events of 2007 made things quite a bit worse.  I did have a good insurance policy from the house fire but for various reasons I've been figuring out, felt guilty about having it.  

I met someone years ago who is a student of Buddhism who told me "when you gain in riches the thieves will come".  I think this is very true.  

Looking back on various events of 2010 - 2014 from a Hermetic Law point of view, I think my injury and grief had put me in a "low vibrational state" which led me to attracting the experiences I did. Today I no longer feel like a victim, though I've felt that way at times.  It feels like the parasite cleansing I've been doing is helping to that end, as feelings of victimization are being replaced with feelings of connection to the world around me.  

So writing about my experience isn't an attempt to throw a 'pity party'.  Everyone goes through hard times, and I feel like I'm emerging from the other side of mine.  It is more to make sense of what happened because I did something that I've since felt incredibly embarrassed about and I'm thinking blogging about it might be a way to help me get over it and move forward.  

I also think when we share our stories it can be helpful to others who have gone through similar experiences.  It could make people feel less isolated, I know I felt better after reading certain books.

I did a bit of reading up on victims today and why they stay silent. It's a lot to do with fear, shame and a loss of pride over letting oneself be duped.  But now that I'm feeling a return to the physically healthy person I used to be, in my former life as a biologist in BC, I'm feeling rather fearless these days.

That's enough for a start.

8.  This Teal Swan video about how to let go of mistakes. 

9.  Thinking about secrets made me get the catchy script of this old US forces training cartoon stuck in my head.  It was written by Dr. Suess and animated by Chuck Jones.  Private SNAFU - Spies 1943 





 

This Week's Favourite Things! February 2nd - February 8th 2015

I'm still obsessed with parasites and cleansing so have been having a break from the studio.  With all the snow and freezing weather we've been getting, the trek across the yard to the kiln shed isn't looking too appealing so my next firing could be awhile.  To be honest I've quit working on the stuff in my studio and keep reading/watching stuff about parasites and wondering how many medical conditions they may actually explain.

1. This youtube video about Candida - the North American parasite.  It's an interesting cartoon explaining how the fungus Candida may have become more prevalent with all the sugar in processed foods.

2.  The Markus Rothkranz youtube channel.  Lots of entertaining raw vegan recipes and other informative videos.

3.  This web article - Parasites as a Cause of Cancer

4.  This page about Parasites that a Reiki Master compiled on her website

5.  The phrase "As Within So Without" which is part of Hermetic Law which goes on about how your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.   I thought this so much as cleansing and now wonder if over the past few years I'd manifested some parasitic relationships, it seems like an interesting way to explain a few bizarre experiences I've attracted.  And for example the 108 bags of trash that had to be removed from my house last year when we had our tenant disaster was chock full of highly processed crap wrappers that would make excellent Worm Chow.  Interesting to think about anyhow. 

6. Snowshoeing

7. Chickadees, Goldfinches, Blue Jays, Woodpeckers, Nuthatches, Sparrows, the bird feeders are hopping

This Week's Favourite Things! January 26th - February 1st 2015

1.  This past week has all been about health, so this is going to be a long list, and I've been delayed on my next firing because I've been cleansing.  It started with my watching this video lecture about inflammation being the cause of most diseases
How To Prevent Inflammation and Oxidation by John Bergman

John Bergman also has a bunch of other great lecture videos on youtube, like How to Heal Yourself With Your Thoughts

2.  In looking up more about inflammation I saw a video where the host said it's really important to cleanse from parasites, check it out, do your own research.  Which led me to watch this.  This video is a bit sensationalized and sells a product but gets the point across in a compelling, shocking way. 
Parasite Cleanse - What's Eating You?

3.  Next is an interview with naturopath Valerie Saxon talking about how widespread parasites are in humans, according to a source she cites 85% of American could be hosting at least one form of parasite.  This is the link to part 1 of 3 but the other segments come up for viewing.  She makes a convincing argument that parasites are more common that we think, and cleansing is very important
Parasites: What the Medical Doctor Will Not Tell You

I'll admit that I stumbled on to this stuff when I accidentally started a parasite cleanse by drinking nothing but fresh ginger cubes in hot water for a day, because I wasn't feeling well.  I ended up in severe pain, but it wasn't hunger.  The next day all I wanted to eat was chia seeds and apples.  By the next day I had figured out I was probably cleansing parasites.  Coming from a farm family, my mom had worms as a kid so it didn't sound too far fetched.  I have another farmed raised friend who was also 'dewormed' as a kid.   Parasites would explain the struggle I had with weight the past few years - now I'm thinking that even just eating small amounts of starches, sugar or dairy seemed to be enough to keep  a colony of whatever I had alive.  So I started a serious natural raw vegan cleanse and yes, I had a few types of worms and probably some protozoa or fungus, who knows.   All I know is that I feel way better now and seem to be getting things under control but I did experience some die-off symptoms.  I felt a bit less crazy with respect to feeling worms moving in me when  I read this woman's blog post:

4.  Parasitic Die-Off, what to expect (blog post).  This blogger has other great posts with advice for doing a natural parasite cleanse.  I had a bunch of these die off symptoms, including pain, the feeling of things wriggling out my ears, nose, back of the throat, and eyes.  No I'm not kidding or delusional, this really happened, for several days.  Yes it's gross.

There is also this whole "Parasite Support Forum" for people who have figured out they have parasites, as a place to post questions and stories of their experience.  On here I found my new favourite cleansing breakfast:  soak chia seeds in a couple inches of water in the fridge overnight, and eat with some diced pineapple or papaya (both are antiparasitic fruits).  Pretty tasty.  There are also a lot of great raw vegan recipes online that would be easy to fill with high chlorophyll food (parasites don't like raw chlorophyll apparently).  I made a modified version of these raw vegan thai lettuce wraps but with no sweetener, they were really good! Raw vegan maki sushi has also been a lot of fun to experiment with.  

I don't know that anyone can have the right answer for the very best antiparasitic diet, there's some conflicting information out there and I think people are just starting to wrap their heads around the fact that parasites are even a problem for humans in 'first world' countries and cities.  I do find that as I cleanse I get more signals from my body as to what foods are nutrient rich and cleansing, versus what foods support parasites.  Here's a good video with an antiparasite juice recipe, though personally I try not to juice too many apples because of the fructose that is released - this is still a simple sugar.  Probably better to add apples in a blender or eat them raw to keep the fiber.  At the same time I got serious and tried adding onion to a juice I made, and ending up needing to add apple juice in order to drink it.

Since I've gotten all excited about parasites and identifying the probable cause of a whole pile of my problems, I've noticed that most people just plain don't want to hear about parasites, or are in denial they could possibly be hosting some.  Not naming any names!   As a biologist I'd love to just remind everyone that, highly evolved as humans may be, we're all running around in chassis that are pretty much ape-based.  Apes get parasites.  Most living organisms get parasites.  It's a pretty common thing in the animal kingdom for parasites to control their host's behaviour, so it's not surprising to hear that food cravings may well be the chemical signals sent up by parasites.  This makes sense if you think about it.  Why on earth would humans crave for nutrient-poor, crap food, especially sugar and other simple carbs that could come from dairy and starches.  And how can so many people eat and not feel like their getting full, leading to overeating and the corresponding obesity epidemic.  Blame parasites!!!  

As an aside, apparently teeth grinding is another symptom of parasites, they feed at night triggering an "eating response" in the mouth. 

It seems to me since we all started moving off the farm and into cities, people have begun to lose touch with where our food comes from.  From what I've read and heard it seems that deworming with some castor oil twice a year was a pretty common anti-parasite routine back in the day on the small farm.  And maybe North America used to be more parasite free.  However, look at globalization and where all our food is coming from.  It'd be so easy for parasites to travel on produce even, from foreign countries where the water being used for irrigation could be contaminated.  Raw fish and rare meat is also a culprit.  Not to mention the possibility of transmitting parasites human - human in a variety of places.  Couple all of this with our western beliefs that "we can't have parasites that's impossible" we drop our guard and the parasites start to win.  

5.  Here is a favourite example from elsewhere in the animal kingdom of parasites controlling the behaviour of their hosts:
Article: 12 Real Parasites That Control The Lives Of Their Hosts

I'm quoting the linked article here, which is by Joseph Benningon-Castro, to see more examples check the out the link:

"1. Hymenoepimecis "Build Me a Web!" argyraphaga

Hymenoepimecis argyraphaga is a Costa Rican parasitic wasp that terrorizes the spider Plesiometa argyra. When it's time to procreate, an adult female wasp will seek out a spider, paralyze it and then lay an egg on its abdomen. After hatching, the larva wasp will feed on its host, while the spider goes about its business like nothing's wrong.

Then things get interesting. After a couple weeks of bloodsucking, the larva will inject a chemical into the spider, which causes the spider to build a web like none it's ever built before. The spider sits motionless in its creation — which is far from pretty, but super durable and able to withstand pelts of rain — to await its fate. The parasite then kills the spider with poison, sucks it dry and builds a cocoon that hangs from the middle of the new web.

Image via William G. Eberhard."

Here's another article about this wasp:

Meet the Wasp that turns Spiders into Zombie Construction Workers

6.  Parasite Alert: 3 Signs to Watch Out For (article)

7. Gut feelings: the future of psychiatry might be in your stomach (article)

This next point admittedly sounds insane but my first degree was in animal behavioural ecology so I really do think this is in the realm of possibility, and perhaps the world could be saved in a few weeks if everyone would just do a cleanse.  Maybe if the Nova Scotia government and members of the Turkey board would all do a cleanse suddenly this province would be more pro-small farms and healthy food and less pro-factory farmed gmo fed turkeys that keep fueling our parasitic overlords...

8. My cracked out theory that maybe the storyline in the movie "The Matrix" is real and we're secretly all at risk of parasitic control.  I mean, look at all the things this would explain: agribusiness, government, our medical system, school system, grocery stores and chain restaurants full of processed food, factory farming, the whole GMO industry, big pharma, big oil.  Some of these very systems seem "parasitic" in a way.  This Stefan Molyneux youtube video about the decline of Canada makes the point of how harmful a bloated government, and increased regulation can be to an economy.

Our parasites would prefer stupid hosts that never clue into their presence, and who are largely sedentary, gather with other humans for better transmission, and who eat a nutrient poor diet full of the sugars and simple starches, dairy and meat that parasites love so much.  

Voila, look at modern North American culture. So many parts of it look like they could absolutely be driven by our internal parasites. Many people seemed to be employed in the production and distribution of worm food.  Could we be like those zombified spiders in point #5, though at a bigger scale?

For example look at what food is being fed hospital patients: boiled out soup and fruit cups.  Cooked food is dead food, and dead food is worm food.  Why aren't patients in hospitals being fed fresh squeezed juices and a healthy raw vegan diet?  Maybe because they are under parasitic control, via the hospital administrators.  And really, what a great place to pick up a parasite if you don't already have one.  

As for grocery stores, we've had storms lately and since I started cleansing I've noticed a lot of people are pushing carts with chips, cookies, pop, and other highly processed food.  Are they being driven by their parasites to eat this stuff that doesn't even provide their bodies with proper nutrition?  Something to think about, though most people probably won't want to.  

Even kids don't play outdoors as much any more, and so many people spend so much more time on the couch glued to their laptop or smart phone.  A prone body is a parasite's dream environment, as the less we move around, the easier it is for them to feed.  

If I want to get even crazier with this: I've been noticing all the movies on Netflix that seem to glamourize cheating and white collar crime.  Not going to name names but there's one that's really funny but the moral seems to be that all men cheat, but it's ok, because you can make friends with your husband's mistress and drink wine in eachother's closets trying on eachother's clothes as you become BFFs.  This makes sense if you realize that parasites will spread themselves if their hosts can't stay monogamous and start running around.  As for the white collar crime: the victims of these crimes are kept in a state of stress.  Perfect.  And check out the news we take in: lots and lots of fearmongering.  Also perfect for parasites as their hosts suddenly want to munch out on chips to reduce the stress of coping with the impending apocalypse, financial collapse, world war, what have you.  Do parasites run Hollywood and mainstream news media?  Maybe we could test that hypothesize by having every human involved in these industries do a cleanse!

I have a hunch my own personal parasite build up began to take off when I started seeing my husband, who was working shiftwork and loved to eat frozen yogurt late at night; perfect worm food at the perfect feeding time, not something I used to do.  Where I was less active this seemed to be the beginning of my issue and the beginning of years of 'wtf is wrong with me I can't lose any weight'.  Since starting my cleanse I've dropped 12 pounds in about 10 days and I'm still getting down to a better weight for my height.  Thank god. I'm pretty sure that any weight problems I've had throughout my life have really been a function of chronic inflammation from parasites.  Now there are other parasites that would likely have the opposite effect: people can eat tonnes and not put on weight, I think tapeworms might do this.

9.  My other cracked out theory that maybe there are no "empaths" and "psychopaths", after all that time I spent obsessed with this topic, that maybe there are  just people who have been infested with different types of parasites. 

As I've cleansed I'm starting to feel more connected to the world but at the same time less fearful and anxious.  It makes sense that parasites would want their hosts fearful and anxious, so they keep eating more chips and cake.  

After a short time cleansing any food cravings for junkfood vanished and I've hardly gotten hungry.  The cravings I do get now are for the things I think parasites would hate.  Drinking lots of fresh vegetable juice helps (I've been drinking beet, carrot, ginger, celery, parsley), so does drinking lots of hot water with ginger or just water with cayenne or apple cider vinegar.  

Now I wonder if there could be parasites that could cause their hosts to be psychopathic, drug addicted or alcohol addicted. It is interesting that I think I've heard that psychopaths can't be rehabbed in prison.  Well, prisons also serve up nutrient poor, processed foods that parasites would love.  Maybe there's an opportunity for a study here.

9.  There are definitely people looking at the link between Toxoplasma and mental illness.  Toxoplasma is a common cat parasite that can travel up into the human brain and start messing around with the wiring up there.

Toxoplasmosis May Trigger Schizophrenia And Bipolar Disorder (article)

Really.  If cat parasites end up being behind these debilitating, stigmatizing mental illnesses I don't know what to say.  A lot of psychiatrists might have egg on their face.  How awesome could it be if these disorders could be cured quickly with anti parasitic drugs.

Here's another interesting article about it, in The Atlantic Magazine, with an interview from a scientist from a Czech research lab:

How Your Cat Is Making You Crazy

On this topic, I wonder how many other diseases might have inflammation at the cause, with inflammation due to parasitic infection at the cause of that.  Bear in mind parasites aren't just 40 foot long tapeworms, they could be tiny fungi, bacteria, single-celled organisms, and all sorts of microscopic worms.  In all my reading, diseases and symptoms that could have originated with parasite infection include eye disease, cancer, vasculitis, colitis, heart disease, seizures and the list goes on.  Seeing as parasite will clear themselves out through a person's lungs, I even wonder if IPF (Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis) could be caused or aggravated by parasites.   Suddenly a parasite cleanse is looking like a good idea, and really, if you do a natural one, what harm could it do.  

Here is a youtube lecture by a Naturopath (I think that's what he is) Internal Overhaul by Dr. Tent.  It's long, but at a few spots throughout he mentions how medical doctors will often assume patients concerned with parasites are crazy, and he lists off various health problems he's treated by treating parasites.

To be effective in my experience and from what I've read, I'd suggest doing a cleanse that is 100% raw, vegan and full of antiparasitic foods or even supplements - I've seen black walnut hull, wormwood and fresh ground cloves recommended though I've only been able to track down cloves so far.  The thing is as soon as you cook even vegetables, the enzymes are killed and they become 'worm food'.  And as for meat, it has no fiber and slows down digestion.   I've had success with lots of fresh juice and raw vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds.  For example raw pumpkin seeds and garlic are anti-parasitic.  There's lots of information on the internet, if you're interested best to do your own research!

And to see more about the health consequences that parasites can have, on youtube there are a bunch of episodes of "Monsters Inside Me" a documentary series from Animal Planet with real life stories about what people have gone through with parasites.  

Finally I'll admit I've been wondering if Oprah might have a problem with parasites, and that likewise explains her struggles with weight.  I've got this daydream that wouldn't it be awesome if Oprah did a parasite cleanse, found some worms, and did a big spread about them in her magazine.  What a service that would be to humankind, destigmatizing the parasite issue and dragging it out into the light.  Imagine the headline "Oprah has worms, lifelong struggle with weight solved".   And a photo shoot "Meet Oprah's Worms".   And suddenly having parasites and talking about them would be chic.  Oh to dream the impossible dream...

10.  Ok, that's a lot about parasites, for now, I also loved this article in the Herald:
Oxford Foods' Home Loan Program helps keep workers in Rural NS
I think it shows a great example of companies helping their employees via the opportunity to own their own homes; nice to see a "feel good" story in the paper.

11.  This movie which is now on Canadian Netflix:  GMO OMG