The Story of the Monkey Who Tried to Make a Living Selling Banappelopeholders

note: I'm not done writing this story yet but decided instead of having chapters scattered throughout my blog I'd park it all on this post.  As of May 3rd, I'm still just at 2 chapters with 2 or 3 to go, but they're coming...

The Story of the Monkey Who Tried to Make a Living by Selling Banappelopeholders

By Susan Paczek 

Chapter One – Crouton Goes Back To Monkey University 

Once upon a time there was a monkey named Crouton.   Crouton had a well-paying job designing high-end treehouses for other monkeys.

Crouton had a favourite hobby.  Crouton’s favourite hobby was to make banappelopeholders in order to display banappelopes around his treehouse. 

Banappelopes were a relatively new fruit in Crouton’s forest, but they had become very popular.

Banappelopeholders had also become very popular as a stylish way that monkeys were able to store and display their banappelopes.  Monkeys would make banappelopeholders in all sorts of designs and sizes, from all sorts of things.

One day some of Crouton’s friends came over and said to Crouton: “Gosh, Crouton, your banappelopeholders are so great.  Monkeys would probably pay you to make those for their treehouses.”

“Really?” said Crouton.  “You think so? Thanks I’m flattered!”

“Yes” said another one of Crouton’s friends.  “In fact I’d like to buy that one there as a Mother’s Day present for my Mother.”

“Wow.” Said Crouton.

And Crouton sold his first banappelopeholder that day.

Crouton was so excited by his friends’ reaction to his hobby that he decided to enrol in a banappelopeholder-making course at his local community centre.

The course was instructed by a baboon.

The baboon was a very good instructor and Crouton became even more passionate about making banappelopeholders.

After a few sessions the baboon said to Crouton “You know, Crouton, you look so happy when you’re making banappelopeholders, have you ever thought about studying banappelopeholder-making at Monkey University?”

“Really Instructor?” said Crouton. “You really think I should leave my job that pays 100,000 bananas per year to go back to Monkey University and study banappelopeholder-making?”

“Yes I do, Crouton” said the baboon.  “You just look so happy when you’re working on your banappelopeholders.  I think you would do fantastic as a professional banappelopeholder-maker. I think you could be this happy all the time.”

The baboon had a point, Crouton decided.  Crouton did feel happiest while he was making banappelopeholders.

So Crouton decided to take the advice of the baboon, eventhough this baboon was 38 years old, still living with his parents, and had 50,000 bananas in student loan debt from going to Monkey University to study banappelopeholder-making.

Crouton left his job and enrolled in Monkey University to study banappelopeholder-making.

In order to finance this decision, Crouton sold his expensive treehouse apartment that he liked very much in the middle of the forest, and moved to a big old tree he bought on the forest edge, where trees were less expensive.

Crouton was very excited for the first day of class, where he would be learning banappelopeholder-making from a gorilla named Professor Mackerel.

The baboon instructor from the community centre assured Crouton that Professor Mackerel was the best, and that the professor’s course would be well worth the large basket of bananas that Monkey University required for taking the course.

Crouton bought a box of new tools from the very grouchy monkey who ran the supply store in the banappelopeholder-making department.

Then Crouton got to Professor Mackerel’s class early to get a good seat.

Crouton was so excited that he was grinning.

It was finally time for class to start!

A very young monkey entered the room and stood in front of the class.

This doesn’t look like Professor Mackerel, thought Crouton.

“Hello Class” said the young monkey. “My name is Lambtorte.  I am going to be teaching your class. Professor Mackerel cannot teach you this semester. One of the other professors is sick with monkeyneucleosis so Professor Mackerel is going to go teach that other professor’s class instead this semester.”

Crouton was concerned.  This monkey looked so much younger than Professor Mackerel.

“Excuse me, Lambtorte, are you a professor?” asked Crouton.

“No. I am one of Professor Mackerel’s graduate students.” Said Lambtorte.

“Excuse me, Lambtorte, but I paid a big basket of bananas to Monkey University and left a very good job designing high end tree houses in order to study banappelopeholder-making with Professor Mackerel.” said Crouton.

“That’s nice.” Said Lambtorte. “But I am teaching this class now.  I will be an excellent teacher.” Lambtorte flared his nostrils and barred his teeth at Crouton.

“Excuse me…” Crouton said.

“Shut up.” Said Lambtorte.

And Lambtorte began teaching the class.

Professor Mackerel was supposed to check in on the class a lot but Crouton hardly ever saw Professor  Mackerel.  This is because the professor was so busy teaching other classes, as well as being assistant dean of the banappelopeholder-making department.  It was a very hectic job.

Crouton was so excited to study banappelopeholder-making though that he worked extra hard, making banappelopeholders day and night.  He thought some of his designs were very clever and would even look excellent in some of the high-end treehouses that he used to design.

The course Crouton was taking would consisted of 10 minutes of instruction by Lambtorte.  This would be followed by 70 minutes of time during which all the monkeys spent working on their assignments in class while Lambtorte sat at his desk reading the Monkey Daily News.

However, every other class there was no instruction at all, and the whole class would put up their previous assignments for something called “Crit”.

During “Crit” all of the monkeys in the class would critique all the other monkeys’ work.

One day it was Crouton’s turn to be critiqued.  Crouton felt confident and especially proud of his latest banappelopeholder, which he had just worked on for 20 hours.

A woolly monkey classmate of his named Detour asked Crouton “What is this one supposed to mean?”

“What?” said Crouton.  “It’s just supposed to look nice, and hold banappelopes in a useful fashion, it doesn’t mean anything.”

“That is wrong.” Said Detour, who started flaring her nostrils.  “This is a conceptual program. If your banappelopeholder design doesn’t mean something than you do not belong in this class!”

Detour was so upset she took a poop right into her hand and flung it at Crouton’s head.

“She is right!” said Lambtorte who was also upset that Crouton would make a nice banappelopeholder that didn’t mean anything.  “You get an F on this assignment, Crouton.  An “F” for failure!”  And Lambtorte also took a poop into his hand which he flung at Crouton’s head.

After class a spider monkey classmate came up and said to Crouton.  “Don’t feel bad, Crouton.  I spend hours on my assignments too.  But sometimes I think that if I were to just take a poop and stick it to the wall that would get graded the best.”

For the next assignment Crouton decided to test this theory.

Instead of spending 20 hours as usual, making the best most intricate banappelopeholder he could, Crouton made his next banappelopeholder out of a torn up pizza box, an empty Tostitos bag, some duct tape and 4 stale toaster waffles that he soaked in pink food dye.

This banappelopeholder only took him 10 minutes to make.

It held banappelopes, but only very precariously.

With his assignment completed in record time, Crouton then spent the rest of his night watching Monkey Test Kitchen on television.

“Bravo, Crouton” said Lambtorte during Crouton’s next Crit.  “NOW you are getting it. This is the most interesting banappelopeholder I think you have ever made.  Does anyone want to guess at what this one means?”

“Ook ook ook" Said Detour waving her arm around.  “I can I can I can!”

“The pink waffles represent the tumors that monkeys grow after eating genetically modified ingredients in pizza and Tostitos while the duct tape wrapped around everything symbolizes an umbilical cord and Crouton’s attachment to his mother and his yearning to return to the placenta.”

While Detour was explaining all this a banappelope fell out of the holder on to the floor with a loud splat.

The class applauded.

“Is that right Crouton?” asked Lambtorte.

“Uh, yeah of course” Crouton replied.

“Splendid”. Said Lambtorte. “Then you get an “A”.  Bravo.”

Chapter Two - Crouton Studies Advanced Banappelopeholder-Making

Crouton finished his first course in banappelopeholder-making with a good grade.  So he moved on to the the next class ‘Advanced Banappelopeholder-Making’ which was taught by a gorilla named Professor Crackers. 

Professor Crackers was a very morose professor that spent most of her time in her office, staring out the window, surfing the internet, or both. 

Crouton couldn’t quite figure out how Monkey University permitted this. 

“Professor Crackers has something called tenure” one of Crouton’s classmates explained.  “She is also dean of the banappelopeholder-making department.  So nobody is going to fire her and she can just do what she wants.” 

Crouton came to see the class as “free studio time” and fortunately learned a few things from the retired baboon that started the department.  The retired baboon would come in to use the workshop spaces because hardly anyone else was. 

One day Professor Crackers emerged from her office and asked the class if anyone had any suggestions for things they wanted to do. 

Crouton suggested that maybe one day the class could go see the retrospective exhibition at the local museum by a monkey named Farmfield.  Farmfield was known as one of the best, most successful banappelopeholder-makers ever. 

Professor Crackers and the class agreed that this would be a good idea.  So they all went.

Crouton was very inspired by this exhibit.  ‘Farmfield must indeed be a successful professional banappelopeholder maker’ thought Crouton. 

The exhibit had dozens of banappelopeholders from throughout Farmfield’s career.  Some were small and simple, others were large and intricate.  Many had been sold to commercial clients and were borrowed back for the exhibit.

Crouton returned to the classroom with the other students, looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts.

Professor Crackers seemed pleased to have a productive class where she didn’t actually have to do much. 

"Now class.” Professor Crackers said, “What did everyone think of the exhibit?”

Detour was bursting to speak. 

“Oook ook ook.  May I go first?” Detour asked and everyone nodded. 

“Good.” Said Detour.  And for dramatic effect, Detour held the back of her hand up to her forehead as though she felt sick or faint. 

“Well I was just absolutely disgusted by the whole exhibit.” Detour said.  “I hope that I never “sell out” like Farmfield and make such abominable corporate art.  I mean there was no CONTENT there.  What is he even trying to say?” 

“That’s interesting” said Professor Crackers. “Anyone have anything to add?” 

“I thought his banappelopeholders were just excellent and inspiring and I admire Farmfield for having such a career.” Said Crouton who was surprised at Detour’s reaction. 

“Shut up, Crouton.” Said Detour.  “You don’t even know what you are talking about.  Farmfield is a sell-out and anyone who would find any of his work good must also be a sell-out.  You’re probably a sell-out.” 

“What do you mean by sell-out?” Asked Crouton. 

“I mean that Farmfield has clearly concerned himself with making banappelopeholders that people would want to buy for their homes and offices.  Sell-out.” Said Detour. 

“What’s wrong with that?”  Asked Crouton. “People need to make a living.  And people want banappelopeholders for their homes and offices. I would love to sell my banappelopeholders to people, that’s why I came here to study how to make them better.” 

“Oh. My. Word.” Said Detour, who by now was livid and jumping up and down.  “OOK OOK OOK! Crouton you do not belong in university you should be in tradeschool or technical college with that sort of attitude.  If you want to actually sell banappelopeholders that makes you a sell-out.” 

Crouton was curious to hear what Professor Crackers would respond to this, but Professor Crackers had slipped back into her office to check her email. 

Crouton didn’t argue with Detour because he figured maybe she had a point, maybe he was in the wrong place.  But he mostly didn’t argue because he just wanted her to stop yelling at him. 

Class ended and Crouton went to the next class he was taking, “Banappelopeholder Design”. 

“Banappelopeholder Design” was largely a drawing class that was taught by a very bitter Baboon named Professor Batwing. 

Professor Batwing was secretly, or maybe not so secretly, bitter because because she would have liked to have been rich and famous for her banappelopeholder making like Farmfield was.

Instead of making lots of money as a rich and famous banappelopeholder maker, Professor Batwing taught her Monkey University courses and seemed to especially enjoy cutting down young students. 

Today’s class was going to be a Crit of perspective drawings. 

Crouton sat beside a young monkey in this class, named HorseFleas who had just finished high school and obviously loved drawing very very much. 

HorseFleas had a portfolio with her all the time and her drawings were excellent. 

HorseFleas obviously spent at least 20 hours on each assignment but Professor Batwing always seemed to manage to find a reason to give her a very low grade, usually for not following the instructions on the assignment 100 per cent. 

Today everyone put up their assignments and HorseFleas’ drawing was absolutely breath taking. 

‘Wow’, thought Crouton, ‘That sure is a nice drawing.’ 

Professor Batwing and the other students walked up the young monkey’s drawing to start the Crit. 

Professor Batwing looked hopping mad for some reason. 

“Well well well”. Said Professor Batwing, pointing at HorseFleas' drawing.  “Don’t you just want to kill her.” 

‘What?’ thought Crouton, ’Why would I want to kill her? It’s a nice drawing.’ Crouton wanted to ask this outloud, but after getting yelled at by Detour for being a sell-out Crouton chose to keep his mouth shut. 

HorseFleas looked like she wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or scared but the Professor assured her that she finally got her assignment right. 

“This is a very nice drawing.” said Professor Batwing, who couldn’t find a single reason to criticize the drawing.  She said a few more positive things but her tone of voice seemed to indicate that she was very upset for some reason. 

Class ended and Crouton went home. 

Crouton was starting to have an uneasy feeling indeed about the banappelopeholder-making department at Monkey University. 

It really didn’t seem like he was learning much of anything and it was costing him a lot of bananas to be there.

He also realized that he had begun feeling progressively more insecure. 

The monkeys who had graduated from the program, which would take another 3 years of tuition and study, all seemed to have ended up with jobs at places like video stores and landscaping companies, or had gone on to become housewives.

None of the graduates seemed to be making any sort of living as a banappelopeholder-maker. 

After giving his situation a lot of thought, Crouton decided to save the bananas that he would have spent on tuition and drop out of Monkey University.  Crouton decided he would move someplace even cheaper where he could afford to set up his very own banappelopeholder-making studio. 

Chapter Three coming soon